My counselor listened to my brief account of my childhood and teen years and commented, “You grew up in a war zone. You are suffering from PTSD.” WOW…who knew!
I thought my life was normal. I did not know other people had nurturing, cherishing homes. My parents also suffered abuse in their childhood and young adult lives.
My mother’s own mother died when she was only three years old. She grew up in an alcoholic home, the only daughter with six brothers and a step-mom who had to work every day of her life.
My dad came back from the Korean War with PTSD and he took out his rage on my mom, three brothers and me. He was a mean man who did nice things now and then – a bipolar personality.
My parents did not seek healing for their wounds and passed them on to me and my three brothers by their attitude and behavior toward us, as well as by their example of coping with life.
They wounded us because of their woundedness. They taught me that I was stupid, clumsy, less than enough, had no real positive qualities and that I had to earn their love.
This deeply affected my self-esteem and how I related to other people. Satan planted these lies deep within my subconscious mind and I believed they were true.
Born with a melancholy personality, this treatment drove me further into myself by wounding my soul and corrupting my image of who I was.
I could not look at myself in the mirror. I disgusted myself. My shortcomings and failures taught me to further despise myself. I longed for unconditional love and acceptance of all of my idiosyncrasies.
At a young age, my mom became the responsible one in her childhood home, who buried her feelings and codependently served everyone else. I learned this behavior from her.
She recognized my need for self-esteem and did all in her power to give me opportunities to excel in life. Thankfully, her efforts prevented me from turning to addictions to mask my pain.
Yet, my poor self-image crippled me and hindered my success. Writing poetry saved me from committing suicide and gave me a release and even hope of a better life.
Then, at age 18, I met the Savior Jesus Christ. He started to sanctify my soul – my thoughts, choices and emotions (Philippians 4:8). He brought me to a prayer warrior who helped me to do spiritual battle and to reclaim my wounded soul for God ( http://www.theophostic.com ).
When I moved away from home, I received much more support from my parents. As I received healing from God in my adult life, God helped me to understand and to forgive my parents; and He used me to nurture and to partially heal my parents as well.
God spoke His truth to my soul and replaced Satan’s lies and my negative self-image with His Truth. I learned to love God, love my self and love others with a pure heart.
( http://www.savedhealed.com/iamlist.htm ).
Father God, thank You for saving me when You did. I felt Your Holy Spirit pouring over me, and drenching every cell in my body and soul with Your love. You taught me to meet my own needs, rather than to neglect my needs or to expect others to meet them for me. I am content in Your love for me regardless of my circumstances.
You brought me to the realization that I am already dead in Christ and that He is now my whole life (Colossians 3:3-4; Galatians 2:20). The enticements of this world, sin and the devil no longer appeal to me. Thank You that Jesus balances my attitudes, opinions and goals in life.
Thought for the Day:
God taught me to find joy in my negative circumstances and to have faith in His faithfulness by changing my focus in life from carnal, earthly affairs to spiritual, eternal ones.
– Romans 8:28